Its been so busy, I've used up loads of spoons, absolutely shattered and while its been good, not sure i paced very well. Will I ever learn this pacing malarkey? I really should have cancelled a few things.
The above is how I would have written up my week so far if two conversations and one blog post hadn't happened. I had talked to LM recently that i was aware that despite my positive, friendly nature - I was locked into negative self talk, my lack of confidence, self belief and default setting is that somehow being me isnt quite enough.
Its easily done - Our experiences shape us and no matter what we might want to project, it can sometimes be different to how we show ourselves. I have a slightly daft silly sense of humour but it rarely appears when im around some people - not because its disappeared, but because I get trapped by my past and fears, effectivly preventing me from just enjoying the moment
What can i do about it?
I dont have to allow anyone to put me down and most of all its important I dont do that. Yes I haven't had a an easy time of it in my life, however Its about Minding my language, how i talk has a huge imapct on how I act, think and feel.
Im really rabbiting on about Mindfullness - something im aware of but beyond nibbling round the edges I haven't practised it in any great depth.
I felt very inspired yesterday talking to my mum about it, and despite a big emotional reaction she has a point. I firmly believe if you have an emotional reaction to something its usually telling you something. You have a choice bury it back down, or see do something about it.
With that in mind...
The givens are Im a spoonie, I walk slowly or use my wheelchair, Im in pain yadda yadda so moving swiftly on
My week so far....
Ive had a lovely busy week - Im going to reward myself with a nice rest today. I might potter a bit and look forward to relaxing with the afternoon play - while i rest my eyes.
On Monday I went to the park with my mum and fab niece the littlest M - watching her get excited about coming down the slide, or holding my hand as we did the roundabout was great.
Tuesday I went to Coventry and discussed PIP with the Union Reps - loved it, the access fail in the car park was surreal, the getting stuck in the lift incident was hilarious and the actual meeting was tiring yes but also marvellous. More of that please
Wendesday - a long leisurely chatty lunch with my mum, talking about everything and nothing. Mindfulness, excitedly talking about a work shop im going to facilitate, and finding a wooden train set for the littlest M.
Last night a brilliant lady spent hours helping me do my DLA form - thank you
Today - This morning cuppa LM made me a cuppa and smile - a lovely way to wake up
I cannot control the way Fibro affects my body, its what it is a complex condition that is still little understood and therefor not effectively treated. What i can do though is control how i respond to it. Instead of saying im so tired and spoonless i cant do anything - its about giving myself permission to rest. I plan to go find out where to get some help to explore mindfulness.
Most important for me is minding my language - I have a life time of programming to address - It wont be easy but I will enjoy the opportunity to explore a new way of looking at the world.
Or should I say be present and paying attention to my world without judgment
Thanks Mum, The Gherkin eater and Jo you have made a difference and now its time for tea :)