In part because I have been doing a lot, and this has inevitably caused a bit of a crash - mentally more than physically. I always know when I feeling a little under pressure, or when I'm not coping with things when i start to take lots of things personally, or I get very emotional about stuff. The final red flag for me is when my eating gets out of control, not terribly but when I'm making bad food choices, and hiding the evidence then its a time to step back.
No one thing has set me off, and often with depression there is no one thing, when you have lived with depression for as long as I have you get to know it. I simply have to trust that it will ebb and flow and and sometimes it dominates my life in a way i don't want it to. The moment my red flags go up, then I have to stop, retreat and regroup. Give myself permission to stop!
I have a few emails to send and work out what I can and cannot take on. One of those things for now is campaigning, I simply cannot manage it in the way i have been for 18 months almost non stop - Likewise twitter was beginning to be very toxic for me. Nothing anyone had done, but for me it was skewing my head space and i was out of kilter with it that i was making poor judgements. Time away with LM and my recognition over the last 2 weeks has meant that my depression is dominating me, has allowed me to step back.
When the safety fuse blows I usually get destructive, but not so much this time other than going a little AWOL..I have been sewing, easy machine stitching but it has made me happy and allowed me some space to just do.Find a bit of balance and calm my brain down and go with the flow.
Im not sure i have got any more insights except I want to
- Stop pushing myself to find a sense of purpose and belonging - this is not new for me but has become more pronounced since getting sick
- Recognise the fear and a sense of loss - I try and live in a place of acceptance but if im brutally truthful I may never truly stay there - Im not sure anyone with a chronic illness ever really reaches acceptance totally.
- Have a plan - there are 3 things I really want to do - I want to incorporate them into my limited capacity and that needs some honesty.
- Be a little less hard on myself
This week is carers week - I say thank you to LM all the time but its a big shout out to him.
I make many promises to myself, but for once im not going to, except one - to be kind to me.
I have many exciting things to look forward to, from a volunteer role with a health and social care organisation to being part of team looking at undressing disability.
Next week i have a few emails to send, and to sor a few things out so I can manage a better balance.
Things that will help me
- Finding a PA to support me to volunteer
- Attending the pain management assessment and being honest in it
- *Accessing some talking therapy again
- Do some more sewing
- Have some times away in the summer camping with LM
- Have a road trip with one of my best friends
Fibro impacts my life in every way, and can make the depression worse..however how I handle it is the difference between landing in a very very bad place and unravelling or stopping & heeding the red flags..