For a variety of reasons, some of it "life stuff" but mostly a recurring and vicious cycle that goes something like this - I convince myself I am feeling better and able to handle a little more. I start off ok and go for it, just as im feeling a little more confident and hopeful BANG I feel under pressure, panic, go into denial, hide, put the im ok mask on (whilst comformt eating, ending up in fibro flair, stop taking care of myself and generally stop coping) all whilst convincing myself and others (possibly not lovely man) that all is ok.
Its usually my actions not my words that speak volumes - It is often assumed that depression conjours up imagaes of someone being totally unable to function and being mentally unfit to cope in any corcumstance that is not strictly true. I have good and bad days - infact good and bad moments. Im a good actress and can kid myself and others Im ok. Depression is unique to individuals, there are some broad similarities that can come under the heading.
Like i said its my actions that lead up to and include the overwhelming moment i admit how i feel inside - what is actually going on. Im good a medicating my feelings and ignoring the signs so dont notice them - I act out in a way it becomes a game with myself the must not admit its as bad as it is until - with either gentle support or a hit the wall moment when I face the truth.
I have had depression on and off for 20 plus years, I argue it away minimise its importance - "oh I was down" or "I was stressed with work" never really admitting it has had a corrosive affect on me - sometimes I say "I cant cope" but then do little to change it because its the game by saying it out loud i again convince myself that I will get better and it will all gop away and IM FINE
In a way I have been helpless in this - I dont see it coming til its too late, while i talk to my doctor im so busy keeping the mask of coping so firmly in place Im not taken seriously. After all If I dont take it seriously enough then getting help is nigh on impossible. I have been given pills and pretty much sent on my way. The sad joke is that accessing much needed mental health support is so difficult and patchy I dont even consider it as an option.
Added to this is the Taboo that surrounds Depressive Illness - we fear that which we dont understand. The only way to break the cycle to get to the nub of why and what the triggers are (if there are any) - This is difficult to write about - In part the hiding was about promising to do something but I overstretched myself mentally, the minute I agreed I triggered the fall out and downward spiral began.
The self loathing, fear, panic and anxiety is a horrible place to be. go out and buying chcocolate etc and then hiding the evidence, whilst saying "I dont know why im overwieght i dont eat that much" all of it feeds the illness. You can only change something when you admit its happening and you have no control over it and therefore need help.
I am writing this really because until i address and acknowledge that not only do I have a physical illness that I am working hard to adjust to and live with - I also need to accept that depression plays a significant part in my life. It imapcts fibro just as fibro impacts it.
I am lucky to have my brilliant OH - he said tonight on the phone as i cried at him that WE will tackle it together. The truth though is I wont break this cycle alone, not over night but I can be kind to myself by simply accepting there is a reason the drives it.
I have a few things to do and a few appologies to make but I will try and catch myself when I begin to jump in and promise things i may not be well enough to deliver. I feel pretty rubbish right now but trying hard to find my way back to feeling ok.