Guest Blog by Mr O
Thank you to Mr O for being my first ever guest blogger, the
second blog in what is rapidly turning into a series. I hope you find it as
interesting as I have – it raises questions about how we see sexuality by that I
mean as a man the notion of masculinity and how that is impacted when
chronically sick or disabled.
First things first, I need to clarify two issues here.
First, the title. Every time I read it, the thought of a sexual deviant, a
dirty perv springs to mind. "A Sick Man" doesn't mean I like wearing
washing up gloves, it means I am sick, as in poorly.
Secondly, like Fibrogirl I have an "Invisible
Illness" but where she has her Fibromyalgia, I have ME, or Chronic Fatigue
Syndrome (because I can never spell the ACTUAL name without Google)
"Lets Talk About
Sex" got me thinking that, from a sick woman’s perspective, things are not
too dissimilar to that of a mans. However, things are different enough to
warrant a post of its own.
A little about me: I am a 30-something man that has only
recently been diagnosed with ME, but I have been ill for 12 years. The last two
years have seen a marked decline in my health, and that in itself has had a
knock-on affect in all aspects of my life.
My partner and I started dating four years ago, and she was
aware of my medical issues then, even before we started dating. I have always
been open and honest about my illness.
Sexually, we have always been quite active, but it has
always been on the whim of my body (and I am talking pain levels and energy
levels, nothing else!) and, being a man, there are certain things that are
almost "expected", if even in a gender-specific role, determined by
society.
Like Fgirl, the questions are, How do you manage to have a
fun sex life when you:
A: Feel like shit most of the time,
B: Have lost your confidence,
C: Feel like no one will ever fancy you again,
D: Feel depressed, fed up, angry, ugly, and/or unattractive
While I can't speak for ALL men, these things apply to me.
If walking up and down stairs is a mission, how can I expect to perform in the
bedroom?
How can I expect to ACT in an alluring manner, when I look
at myself and think "Ugh, really?"
Us men have confidence issues too, and can feel unattractive
and ugly. And if I don't feel "sexy" then how can I be expected to get
my partner in the mood, let alone enjoy myself. Now compound this will an
illness that leaves you in agony, or unable to move properly, or incapable of
summing up the energy to stand up..
Like every Agony Aunt in the world has ever said, the main
things you need for a fulfilling sex life is time, compassion, understanding,
and trust. While this is true for ANY loving relationship, I believe it is more
important for those of us with medical issues.
My partner is hugely understanding, very compassionate, and
does everything she can to help me out. If we are both in the mood, but I am in
too much pain, we will still make love, but it is more her taking control,
reading me and my body to pleasure the pair of us. If my pain levels are
bearable, then it becomes a case of dealing with the energy levels... Sure,
it'd be GREAT to be able to go constantly, all night long, but I know that is
not the case with me.
From the "Social" aspect - and I will add now, a
view I whole-heartedly think is crap - the man is supposed to be the dominate
one in the bedroom, the man is supposed to take the lead, do things his way,
and eventually brag to his mates in the pub the following evening.
When you struggle to wash yourself some days, clearly most
of that goes out the window. When I am feeling good, I CAN be dominant, I CAN
take the lead in the bedroom, and generally when I am feeling semi-normal, that
is the case - but if my partner wants to do so, then so be it. However, when my
body is not playing fair, she HAS to take over, she HAS to lead and do what she
wants to do to me. Pain can take over your sex life, and the act of thrusting
in and out - slowly or quickly - can soon get to the point of being too painful
to carry on. Energy levels play a similar role, and while I would love to be
able to have multi-hour-sex-marathons, the sad reality is my body gives up
before getting to the half-marathon point.
I've never been a "Jump On, Have My Way, Jump Off"
sort of man, and am actually more than happy for my partner to be satisfied,
and be too exhausted to do anything else. Job Well Done, I would say! But as
Beth said, the rush of endorphins that come with climax do something to the
chemistry of the body that make you feel so good - better than any medication
ever can... But there's no way I'd just have sex to reach that point.
We can't "plan" to have sex, not ever. If I am in
TOO much pain, or am falling asleep trying to get up the stairs, then
generally, we don't do anything. If my body is playing in ANY form though, then
it's a case of doing it as per my body.
But, it is difficult, especially if the four points up there
are not taken into account... Confidence is the key to everything, and if I
feel like a crap lover, am miserable because I've had a hard day, or am feeling
very Anti-Me and Angry at how my body is (or is not) functioning, then it does
ruin the experience. And of course, a lot of men have issues *ahem* rising to
the occasion if they are having any problems with their self-confidence, and
this in turn can snowball out of control if they have medical issues.
I am lucky in that I have a very understanding partner, that
is willing to take control when I can't.
There is little, if any, useful advice on the internet about
people with invisible illnesses enjoying a full sex life, and it's something
that needs to change. I am sure there are other men in the same boat as me, and
if I can help or offer advice, then so be it.
There will be more posts, I am sure of it :)
