Seasonal Affective Disorder and Me

Seasonal Affective Disorder and Me

Now the Sun has gone,  

I’ve felt your presence, stalking my thoughts

Inching closer to me ready to flip the switch

From light to dark, as you suck the joy

Leaving me with tears and bleakness

There is no escaping you, as the nights draw in

You come tip toeing into my mind like an unwanted guest

Now I feel S.A.D – Seasonal Affective Disorder

I have suffered since my teens, for many years I shrugged it off and didn’t see the link that every depressive episode has always without fail come in the winter, but I understand that now. I’m not officially diagnosed, but that is more about not having a decent GP who doesn't put everything down to having Fibro.

This morning I woke up tearful, sad and ready to hide from the world – yet on Thursday I had a lovely evening out where I felt perfectly fine. There is no trigger for the depressive feelings; I am the happiest I have ever been, my illness is what it is and I’m OK with it, my son is finally happy, and I have lots to look forward to.

But

Those familiar feelings are here and the only thing responsible for it is the winter; dark days trigger my brain into a depressive state. I will remain like this until April.

Just because I know it doesn’t mean I can’t do anything about it, but I also know the signs and know if I don’t act NOW – I will spiral down into a very bad place.

What are the signs of SAD?

There are a diverse range of symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder; many are associated with a feeling of general depression - which is why it is sometimes known as the 'Winter blues'. Below is a list of possible symptoms.
An example of SAD Symptoms include: 

• Lethargy, lacking in energy, unable to carry out a normal routine.
• Sleep problems, finding it hard to stay awake during the day, but having disturbed nights.
• Loss of libido, not interested in physical contact.
• Anxiety, inability to cope.
• Social problems, irritability, not wanting to see people.
• Depression, feelings of gloom and despondency for no apparent reason.
• Craving for carbohydrates and sweet foods, leading to weight gain.

It is always important to consult your doctor if you believe you have SAD as it may be another condition.  From the SAD charity

How I cope

I tell people; I’m honest with my husband and people close to me. He can’t fix me, but he is watchful and encouraging when I cannot be for myself.

I use my SAD light box, one hour a day helps take the edge off – it tricks my brain into thinking it is day light and gives me vitamin D.

I go to the doctor and I ask for anti-depressants. I cannot work my way through it, I don’t need talking therapy and I am not depressed in the sense of a life trigger this is a chemical imbalance in my brain and I need help until the Spring.

I am kind to myself and use mindfulness to manage the thought and feelings as best I can.

I write. I know with a combination of a deterioration of my illness – winter’s crap for spoonies + SAD-I have six months to get through. I know I will come out the other end, but it’s hard, really hard sometimes. 

Today I have friends coming to visit, I really want to see them - but I also want to curl up in a ball in bed with the duvet over my head. LM is being his usual amazing self, he is sorting the house ready for their visit and making things happen while I blog on here, gather my thoughts and try to function enough until I can see my GP. 

I wish I had words to really describe it but I can’t beyond yesterday I lived my life in technicolour, today it is black and white.